How Did I Get Here?

December 9, 2013



I got whammied. Whammied hard.

October 2013

It wasn't as if I wasn't expecting it. Looking back, I was fairly certain I saw the signs, I saw the Google searches and I prepared myself for the worst, but I wasn't sure what the worst was at that point.

November 2013

We had just gotten back from our only vacation without kids since our honeymoon. Life hadn't been easy for us. We hadn't made it easy for ourselves. But things were getting better. We had talked about the future, we had dreamed and planned... or so I thought.

When he told me he was done, no explanation, I said "Okay." That's it. I'd done my research and from everything I'd found, that was basically all I could say in order to keep the peace. He expected more of a fight, more emotion. I knew my (then) husband. I knew that once he had made up his mind, there was absolutely no way of changing it. I told him that I loved him and that I was willing to make things work, if he was on that same side.

But, he wasn't.

"Freedom Day" January 14, 2014

I got on my knees that night and I prayed like I'd never prayed before. I sobbed that ugly hivey-snot- dripping-on-the-floor-can't-breathe kind of sob. I wrestled with thoughts of panic, fear, grief and loss. I felt inadequate to pray.

February 2014

 By some small miracle, I stopped crying, almost immediately. I got up. I went to bed, in the same bed as the man who told me he was done (yeah, I'm kind of baffled by that, too). For the first time in almost 10 years, we didn't say we loved each other before falling asleep. I can't tell you I slept that night. My mind wrestled thoughts of uncertainty, going over the past, questioned what I'd done, and where I'd go from here.

March 2014

The next morning, something truly unreal happened. I was in the shower, having shower thoughts (you know, the kind that just kind of wander off into the deep end of the candy store like a 3 year old?) and I felt a warmth. A hug. I knew that I would feel more love, even in this time of desperation and bleakness, that it was true. I would feel more love, acceptance and beauty than I ever had in my entire life.

"The First Day of the Rest of Our Lives" April 2014

At that moment, I knew that I had to accept what would happen to me in this situation and trust in the Lord with all that I had. That choice to trust would be tempted so many times over the next few years, but it truly was a choice. Since that day, I have chosen to love myself more completely than I ever had before. Since that day, I have chosen to accept myself and all my flaws, especially the ones I thought had broken my marriage.  Since that day, I've become a stronger woman, mother, sister, friend and eventually, companion.

July 2014

__

That moment, the one that makes you feel like breathing would be the most painful thing in the world to do... it's only a moment. And you are loved. Far more than you can even comprehend. You can keep moving. You can wake up tomorrow. You want to know why? You get to choose where you camp. You get to choose, if this is a curse, or freedom? Is this a red letter on your chest, or is it your time to shine? Yes, it will be hard. Yes, you will cry. You will fall asleep on your knees, in the car, at your desk, heck... the kitchen table or even a quiet corner in a library.

December 2014

Saying "Okay," to a new journey is terrifying. Saying "Okay," to something completely unknown and sometimes not socially acceptable is empowering.  This is where you get to thrive.  This is where you get to blossom.   This is where you get to choose.

What are you going through right now that is making it almost impossible to breathe?

You are not alone. You are definitely not alone. You have a choice, and that is where your true strength lies. Not in these trials not coming upon you, but what you do with them.

August 2018

love you, love you

Triana